Wow. I cannot believe I am writing on this blog again. I can't believe I neglected it for so long. I can't believe that we are in a pandemic, but here we are. I am overwhelmed with emotions right now. Re-reading this blog sent me way back to 2016 when I was new, scared and trying to change the world. That was always my goal, to change the world, to do something new, to try something and make an impact. But I think I forgot that along the way, let me walk you through it.
After 2018, my activity on BodiedbyScorp declined drastically. I was barely surviving grad school and had barely any free time. I also was confused, I wanted to do too much. I wanted to create a lifestyle brand and talk about hair, skin, body, health, fitness, food and everything under the sun. I also lacked discipline. I was not writing regularly anymore or updating the site. I wanted it to look like everything and nothing all at once. One thing about starting a business is that your judgment can get clouded. You see everyone succeeding and yet you feel stuck. You want to copy what is working for others, what you see is trending instead of sticking to your guns. That was me, trying to be everything that I wasn't to catch up with others.
By 2019, however, my activity was abysmal. This is because of many things, the biggest being I had an actual full-time job. I was a reporter for the Journal News, my hometown paper that I could only dream about working at. Me, Aisha Powell, I was a hometown reporter for my community. I was informing the public, I was at the front lines, people were reading my work. The pressure I put on myself to excel was so extreme. Me, a little Black girl from Rockland County who spent 12 years PROUDLY in the East Ramapo Central School District, was an education reporter for the Journal News. It is still crazy for me to think back to it. I also got a front-page story, ME, in my hometown paper. I think I was so consumed with being this "journalist Aisha" that I neglected all the other sides of me. Yes, I write, but I love fitness too, I like helping others and I like being creative. Journalist Aisha won, for most of the year. Until she was stopped. In May 2019, I was sexually assaulted by a government official while interviewing him on the job. My whole persona, my confidence, my drive, my purpose was halted. Abruptly. I couldn't function and I did not want to. Journalist Aisha was dying and fitness Aisha was absolutely gone. Not only was I not writing, but I was not eating, exercising, or taking care of myself. After reporting the man to the state, he was fired. But then I had to endure reading about the case in the paper, on social media, on everything. I couldn't escape it. At a time I should have been celebrating my wins, getting into a Ph.D. program and thee Howard University and writing for my home paper, I was lost, depressed confused and just sad. Needless to say, my business suffered, but most importantly I suffered greatly.
Coming into 2020, one of my goals was to get back to my business. "To write more on the blog," I wrote down in my new year's resolution list. I had neglected my business for so long. But with school and stress, I just couldn't find the motivation to get started. Again life was taking me on an unexpected trip. And again, my actual health lacked. When I wasn't writing or reading papers for school, I was trying to sleep, uphold somewhat of a social life and "be normal."I can't even explain how many nights and days I spent crying, feeling overwhelmed, worthless, confused, unsure and sad from August 2019 to May 2020. These feelings are common (apparently) in Ph.D. programs but after a year like mine, I just wanted a break. Literally my life was a mess, yet again. I was not journalist Aisha, I was not fitness Aisha, I was walking into researcher Aisha, who I had never met. She didn't know who she was, and neither did I. This marks my third identity crisis (if you are counting.) And then Corona happened and boom. The whole world implodes. What was known is now unknown, what is real is fake, what was is now gone, and what we are is stuck at home.
Here, quarantined at home alone, with no friends in sight, no interaction with others and no idea what is happening is when my purpose came to me (again).
I logged in BodiedbyScorp and read my "About Me" page again. The last time I updated it was 2016. I wrote about how I wanted to help my community, to give back and help people become healthier. I wrote that I wanted to get a Ph.D. in the future. I wrote that I wanted to support Black businesses. My goals for BodiedbyScorp were not driven by a desire to make money, to be trendy, to be an all in one brand or to be like everyone else. It was me trying to help others in the best way I could, through fitness and health tips. That's it. I said I wanted to get a Ph.D. in the future, and as I was reading the post I was in a Ph.D. program. I said helping my community is what I wanted to do and make a difference, something that I did do as a journalist and with my business. I had forgotten what my purpose was because I was too busy focusing on other things. I wanted to be every woman instead of being just me. I let too many people make me feel worthless (and I believed them) that I lost track of what God put me on the Earth to do. I let depression and fear take over. I let my job control my life. I was not putting anything into my real passion and it yielded me no results. I was giving 110% of myself to every other aspect of my life, whether it be work, school, or emotions, which left my purpose with 0% left. As I read my words, I cried. As I read my previous blog posts on this site, I cried. I remember the feeling back in 2016 of being so scared but believing that I could make a difference. I remember everything I felt and my determination. I lost it along the way. It is so easy in life to focus on all the failures, downfalls, obstacles and everything else, instead of focusing on positives and all the blessings you have. God put me in a position to do everything I said I was going to do, even though I had lost my way numerous times. Even as I sat there and neglected my purpose for so long, it was still there right in front of me waiting for me to seize the day.
But now, things are going to change. BodiedbyScorp is my baby. I have never created, grew, cultivated and cared for anything as much as I have for BodiedbyScorp. I created it as my outlet to change the world for the better. It is 100% me and it encompasses all aspects of me. It has Aisha the journalist, Aisha the fitness girl and Aisha the researcher. I am so sorry to myself for just letting it fall to the waist side and forgetting about it. Forgetting the purpose of it, forgetting that I made it to help others and forgetting that it is the most organic extension of myself that has ever been created. I am so disappointed that I let it go, chasing other things and letting other entities deem my value. But, not ever again. I am back and I am ready to give 110% of myself to myself and my passion and I cannot wait to track my journey on this blog. Maybe just me and a couple of others read my post, but if someone reads this blog and gets inspired or tips than my work is done. I am so excited for the relaunch of my website and all the new opportunities that I will be entering. I am so happy that I am getting back to me, the real parts of me. I am so happy that I am not letting fear control me. I am so happy that I know my purpose in life. I am so happy that I won't let any circumstance stop me from being the person I was made to be. And I am so grateful to God that no matter what I go through, he always shows me that I am capable of overcoming any obstacle. I am back and I am better. You ready?
P.S. Also, subscribe to the BodiedbyScorp mailing list to be alerted when the new site launches
P.S.S. In my old blogs, I would quote from a song that represents my "mood." I will get back to that on later posts.
P.S.S.S. I updated my personal website and I love it! Also I got new professional photos, so yes I will be plastering them everywhere and using them on everything.